A Letter to Myself.

Dear… Bunny. I am calling you “Bunny” as that is currently, at the time of writing this, your screen-name. I’m here to tell you, a bit about you. Because sometimes you forget. Sometimes you forget, that you are more than “just shy”. Sometimes you forget, that you don’t need to, nor will you, “come out of your shell”. What even is this shell, anyway? A shell of shyness? A shell of… more than that. This “shell” contains fear. An extreme fear of talking, that makes you sick to your stomach. A literal feeling of sickness in your stomach. [What else could it be?] Wanting to just scream; to make as many panicky sounds as you can. Because making sounds is the best way; it makes sense. Talking doesn’t make sense, it’s confusing in so many ways. This is you. Don’t ever try to be the girl who can talk about anything and everything to anyone at all. [The wording sounds nice] You’ve been told your whole life, that you are “just shy” and that they can get rid of that for you. But nobody can, and why should they? Yes, life – your life – would be much easier without it, these feelings of extreme fear. The feeling of being unsafe and confusion that follows along with it, would all be wiped away. But this is you. It’s how you’ve lived 15 years. Yes, its been stressful, you’ve even wanted to kill yourself at points – but you are here. God has kept you here, God wants you here. God has made you more than “just shy” God has made you… so confusing to others, like how they’re confusing to you, when they talk. He understands you best, and your struggles, too.

The struggles in conversation, when you’re focusing so hard on what they’re saying, yet you still miss bits. It’s like they said nothing at certain parts of the conversation. You feel so stressed and have no way to let it out – you’ve taught yourself to act as… un-panicked as possible when you’re actually feeling an overload of emotions. You’re feeling stressed, worried, scared, upset, angry… yet it’s always seen by others as “just shyness”.

I officially don’t know what shyness is, but something I do know, is that I don’t have it. I have more. Shyness, I would guess, is feeling embarrassed to talk to someone new. Being shy sounds like you generally don’t like big crowds, but once used to it, you’re fine. You take time to get used to the warm water of social activity.

You, Bunny, have taken 15 years and counting, to get used to this foreign water – So why should you? Bunny, why don’t you, just be you? Express yourself and become freed, let your smaller worries fade. People will always judge you, but God is the One whose opinion matters most. His opinion is the only one to matter at all.

Bunny, why don’t you? How come you don’t want to talk to the school counselor anymore? She won’t be like the ones at your old school, hopefully. Past Bunny knows, and so do you, that they ignored you. They treated you… like you where nothing. Like “it’s all normal, it’s okay, it’ll fade.” But it won’t fade, its been 15 years, and only increase has caused. You where like this ever since young, so seek a helping hand. Seek one, and if all fails, hold tight. Hold tight to the hand of God; He’ll never let go of you.

–Written 14/11/2015. 22:17. Firstly written on Tumblr.

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